Archive | May, 2012
Aside

“Susana, why a…

25 May

“Susana, why are are always looking down to the ground?  You need to hold your head up and be proud of who you are.  You don’t have to worry about the knuckleheads around here, you will never end up dating them, you are too good for them.”

Words from my 7th grade Physical Education teacher.  

I must say that the only reason I was a good relay race runner was to please him and get him off my back.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not quite the coordinated athlete I wish I was.  

But his words stayed with me for a long time and I wish I could find him to thank him for seeing the real me.  I wish I could go back and thank all of the teachers that believed in me when I thought I was doing a Damn Good job of hiding whatever they caught a glimpse of in me. 

Mr. Eubanks, Mr. Turner, Ms. Thompson, Mr. Quezada: Thank you for holding me across the dearth of kindness in our neighborhood.  You helped prove time and time again that sometimes it all comes down to drive and perseverance and the belief that you deserve better no matter where you come from.

So many times I clinged to the words of my Calculus teacher,Mr. Quezada, “There are many roads to the same Destination”.  ESPECIALLY when I would inevitably fuck up.  Which I did, time and time again:

When I left school, thinking it was for the greater good of my family.  When I got married at 19, thinking it would please my father.  When I had two young infants under my care and I put up with circumstances I would never wish on an enemy (if I had one).  

After a while I started to doubt those words.  I started to think that maybe I was holding onto false self-created hope.  And I sunk deeper than I ever thought I could.  I was underwater for a long time, thinking that all I could do was go through the motions.  That I was Oh So Lucky! to be loved by anyone.  

I reverted back to infancy.  To the days when I craved love and affection from those closest to me. 

Years went by and ignored my dreams and thoughts of a better tomorrow.  I suppressed my hope that I could improve the lives of others.  I shut down the thought that I was worth acknowledging, much less following to the solution of improved circumstances to many.

But suddenly I took a leap.  For once, it was planned, I jumped and figured I had sufficiently cared for my children so that if I failed, I would survive and so would they.  

Once I felt the exhilarating sensation of flying into the story I had written, I could no longer hold back.  I could no longer lie to myself and believe the seeds of doubt that had been planted.  

Now I feel the strength of every stride that I take grow in intensity because it leads me to the path that I had carved out for myself years ago. Ask me in a few years how I conquered that sadness and I will tell you with certainty: I grew tired of pushing it away, I grew tired of being reminded where I came from and not where I was going, I shook off the doubters and focused on the positive outcome that I hope to achieve upon this Earth someday.

But I will silence my thoughts for the night and leave you to it, leave you to think of your own plans and dreams.  

- always,

Dream On!

Aside

“Susana, why a…

25 May

“Susana, why are you always looking down to the ground?  You need to hold your head up and be proud of who you are.  You don’t have to worry about the knuckleheads around here, you will never end up dating them, you are too good for them.”

Words from my 7th grade Physical Education teacher.  

I must say that the only reason I was a good relay race runner was to please him and get him off my back.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not quite the coordinated athlete I wish I was.  

But his words stayed with me for a long time and I wish I could find him to thank him for seeing the real me.  I wish I could go back and thank all of the teachers that believed in me when I thought I was doing a Damn Good job of hiding whatever they caught a glimpse of in me. 

Mr. Eubanks, Mr. Turner, Ms. Thompson, Mr. Quezada: Thank you for holding me across the dearth of kindness in our neighborhood.  You helped prove time and time again that sometimes it all comes down to drive and perseverance and the belief that you deserve better no matter where you come from.

So many times I clung to the words of my Calculus teacher,Mr. Quezada, “There are many roads to the same Destination”.  ESPECIALLY when I would inevitably fuck up.  Which I did, time and time again:

When I left school, thinking it was for the greater good of my family.  When I got married at 19, thinking it would please my father.  When I had two young infants under my care and I put up with circumstances I would never wish on an enemy (if I had one).  

After a while I started to doubt those words.  I started to think that maybe I was holding onto false self-created hope.  And I sunk deeper than I ever thought I could.  I was underwater for a long time, thinking that all I could do was go through the motions.  That I was Oh So Lucky! to be loved by anyone.  

I reverted back to infancy.  To the days when I craved love and affection from those closest to me. 

Years went by and ignored my dreams and thoughts of a better tomorrow.  I suppressed my hope that I could improve the lives of others.  I shut down the thought that I was worth acknowledging, much less worth following to the solution of improved circumstances to many.

But suddenly I took a leap.  For once, it was planned, I jumped and figured I had sufficiently cared for my children so that if I failed, I would survive and so would they.  

Once I felt the exhilarating sensation of flying into the story I had written, I could no longer hold back.  I could no longer lie to myself and believe the seeds of doubt that had been planted.  

Now I feel the strength of every stride that I take grow in intensity because it leads me to the path that I had carved out for myself years ago. Ask me in a few years how I conquered that sadness and I will tell you with certainty: I grew tired of pushing it away, I grew tired of being reminded where I came from and not where I was going, I shook off the doubters and focused on the positive outcome that I hope to achieve upon this Earth someday.

But I will silence my thoughts for the night and leave you to it, leave you to think of your own plans and dreams.  

- always,

Dream On!

Times ‘R a Changin’

25 May

I had a completely lovely time today.  Surrounded by friends, new friendships made, jazz music pulsating through the air, and my lovely girls swirling around me

If you had told 10-year-old Susie what happiness and hope was in store 18 years down the line…

She would have politely smiled at you and turned around and cried herself to sleep

I post snippets here and there about the hi’s and lo’s of life but mostly the HIGHS that remind me how sweet and incredibly unpredictable life can be

Sadness has had a ruling cycle for quite some time in my soul but the beauty of opportunity and hunger for happiness prevailed

It may sound silly and a bit cheesy but I hope that if you are out there and you feel the sadness sweeping over you, its tempting tide lapping you into the deepness of uncertainty – that you shake it off

No matter how young or old you may be, you can stand up and shake it off

Fight it off

Whatever it takes until you find the strength and desire within to find a better place 

I am only 28 and I feel incredibly fortunate to have found that long evaded sunshine called happiness

I feel so confident and strong and ready to carry out the plans that I had long ago

I feel so kind and free and loving

And I feel loved

By me and those around me

And for that

I give life a re-evaluation and I embrace it

And I love it

And I offer it to you, 

Offer you the hope that Better Times will come

Take it from a Chica that has been there and Back ;)

I feel

25 May

You see me in the clear and you have no clue that I remain compeletely in the mist

You see my smiles seems so clear that you forget what I truly hold dear

Forget to call or see if I am fine and I learn to cope

in these new confines

Suddenly I break free of the guilt

And I feel like ME

I walk tall, hips swinging side to side, arms dangling freely with no subside of happiness

My head is raised high for once

And I feel what I never thought near

I feel light and happy and ready to run to the next chapter

The one where you are none 

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Zack Hunter | Phenomenological Fiction

Zack Hunter is the pseudonym of a Californian poet, author, artist, musician, and researcher. He lives on a farm and spends his free time reading and writing about whatever it is he is passionate about at the time.

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