Helpless

15 Mar

The tide recedes
each time
a bit further
taking with it a little pain
and a little strength

When the sun is out
it warms my face
On my palms
it tingles
and I sigh
relief

I hear the birds sing again
the sky, a gorgeous hue of blue
beauty everywhere
fresh air
never tastes sweeter
sharp
full of promise

I want to run
but not away
towards something, someone, somewhere
Clearly defined

peace

I smile
wide and free
show my teeth even
and giggle endlessly

Self love
the color of my skin
the way it shimmers in the sun
the shape of my body
the softness of my lips
in harmony with my strength

I feel
and more importantly
I Want
to feel

A day, a week, or a month goes by
and I wake up
feeling strange
unsettled

Heaviness sets
my thoughts pained
a cold sweat
as the memories take hold

Alone
the quiet scares me
as it creeps in
the lack of sound

In a fog
everything hurts
my mind lays
Dormant
withdrawn

Those muted days
I don’t wish on anyone

Sadness fills me
at the thought of
Wasted youth
in a frenzy to feel nothing
to fade

Release the gray days
for the clear blue days
learn to feel again
Not so
helpless

5 Responses to “Helpless”

  1. jennraespeaks March 15, 2013 at 11:39 PM #

    I love this stanza:

    “When the sun is out
    it warms my face
    On my palms
    it tingles
    and I sigh
    relief”

    I love the use of enjambment here; it causes me to slow down my reading, which is perfect since the last word is “relief.”

    • DowntownSusana March 22, 2013 at 10:15 AM #

      Thank you! I have a feeling you know the feeling too🙂

  2. megrace7 April 4, 2013 at 10:22 AM #

    Reblogged this on Diary of a suicidal teenager and commented:
    Relateable

    • DowntownSusana April 4, 2013 at 10:43 AM #

      Hi Megan,

      Thank you for sharing this on your blog. This is the tricky part about blogging and not knowing who reads this and I hope you don’t mind me saying that when I look back at how difficult it was for me, especially in my teens, to even think of a future, much less one with happiness in it, it still hurts me to remember that I felt that way. Not so much because it hurts from the memory of it but because I was alone and didn’t think to reach out or talk to anyone. I never thought I was worthy of being helped or listened to.

      If you ever need an ear to vent, to scream, to sing or laugh, I hope you feel comfortable sending me a message. I don’t ever want you to feel that you are alone.

      Susana

      • megrace7 April 18, 2013 at 9:05 PM #

        Thank you.

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