Ponte a Vivir

17 May

Que esperas?

An invitation?

Ponte a vivir!

Siente las olas de esta vida,

deja que la ola te pegue en el pecho:

suavemente,

despacio,

y con sabor.

Y acaso eso no es vivir?

El sentir.

So much to feel.

Feel the music, let it sway your hips side to side.

Absorb the rhythm.

Slowly taking over until you feel weightless.

So full of life that you walk on air.

Volando.

Over all of us.

Viviendo.

No te dejes.

Don’t let them cage you, define you, silence you.

Vibrant,

de color.

Viviendo.

 

 

Mi derecha y mi izquierda

15 May

Sera que mi derecha es la ascendencia Europea? La misma mano que estrecho al saludar pero con la que no puedo escribir?

Y mi izquierda el lado indígena? Que con mucho gusto se pone a soñar de tierras morenas? De días sin tiempo. De abuelos con frentes nobles y narices con la capacidad para respirar por toda una tribu que ayer existía.

Y mi pecho trata de armonizar a dos gentes en conflicto. Suplicándole a mi mente que no sea tan necia. Siempre tratando de conducir mi lógica hacia la duda de mi misma definición. Pero el corazón también sabe herir y me abre las fuentes de agua que con muchas ganas intentan huir. Y con el reflejo ejercitado por más de tres décadas me las como. Una tras otra me las trago, como pastillas secas. Me las atasco más rápido antes que me asfixien.

Solear

15 May

Y yo aquí,

acostada en el sol ardiente,

esperando que me queme lo blanco.

Grey Days

20 Apr

Like a hopeful lover it hovers in the sidelines.

It creeps up quietly,

trying to find a foothold – a reason to stay.

So much light, so much love, so much opportunity and it

doesn’t matter.

If my guard is down and life is a tinge of grey I feel it on my shoulders.

I feel it tugging, demanding, unrelenting in its need to consume me.

My steps are circular.

My heart imploding with the weight of unshed tears.

And it hurts, it hurts so much.

How naive to think that I could lose you forever.

When will I stop looking over my shoulder?

Will I ever live without having to account for your drag?

I need to get angry.

I find strength in my anger.

But I feel my feet slipping on the sand and I want to sink into the soft folds of

a quiet dream where my mind stops thinking.

I swim and I swim and I swim.

I see your lovely smiling face looking for my warmth.

I see your need for me.

I see what is expected of me but I hear nothing.

Fill my ears with gentle music.

Let it fold the corners of my sadness into a small square so I may

hold it and recognize that I can possess it

and not be possessed.

 

I am not yours.

Let me be.

 

 

Monopoly

19 Feb

Sadly, I don’t have a monopoly on pain.

Even when it expands to the point that I feel it,

drip, drip

from my pores,

no more room.

I try to contain it.

I swallow harder, its roughness scraping my throat – like sharp elbows refusing to relax as I push it down,

to where it belongs – unseen.

It marinades in my intestines.

It simmers when I read

about Trump, ICE, Syria, Racism, home, parents, who I was.

It bubbles, when I see Facebook growing, and

growing,

and growing,

and

Doing Nothing.

Falling in line with the script to refresh,

to like, to post,

scrolling…

scrolling…

Looking for something new.

Things. Ads. I want them.

Empty.

But clean.

I want, I want, I want – to…

Do something.

Teach me how to Do Something –

Change Something,

Be Something –

or Someone

that…

That what?

Holds a monopoly on Sadness?

Let me expand.

Let the sadness dissipate onto me,

filling every crevice and hidden space,

Let me absorb.

Let me gorge.

Swallow hard.

Shove it down,

like an overflowing trashcan.

Let me stomp it with my foot to shove it in,

make it fit.

Crumple it up until it’s light.

 

Help me make it light.

So I may see

a better tomorrow.

So I may see your kindness.

Be kind. Untangle yourself from:

selfishness; and

laziness; and

emotional lack of intelligence.

Be with me, one with me.

See that I suffer as much as you do.

And if you suffer as much as I do…

I understand.

But.

Most of You Don’t.

Most of you have so very many

EXCUSES.

And your vote made me realize that

pain is subjective, and

Sadly, I don’t have a monopoly on pain.

 

 

 

Belvedere

19 Feb

12 year olds

Naive

As if the world’s borders ended where Boyle Heights and East LA became

Whatever

Walking around the beige colored-lunch benches

by the student store

salivating at treats

50¢ I didn’t have

Into the bathroom with the metal reflectors

No glass for us

in East LA

My face a tan brown

lips lined with Jordana honey

hair half pulled back into a tight mean bun

I’m looking at You

Our blindingly white collar polo shirts tucked into our rolled up mini uniform plaid skirts

Trying so desperately to be

Somebody

To the chain link fence that surrounded the blacktop PE area

our brown fingers grazed that fence as we walked towards the running field

holding on tightly as potholes broke our gait

And I grabbed on and looked out

Longingly

Outside

And while they hollered a “Heeeey!” in response to the high school and above guys dressed in their Chinos, crisp white t-shirts and Nike Cortez, I

faltered. Not wanting a part of it. No desire to be looked at by shaved heads and face tattoos.

But not knowing how to step back and walk away alone.

12 year olds.

Naive.

As if the world’s borders ended where Boyle Heights and East LA became

Whatever.

 

ABCs of Life

8 Feb
And she smiled
Because life is worth smiling for
Curiously strange 
Demanding
Excruciatingly painful at times
Forgiving yourself can truly be
Grace
Hating or Having Understanding for Those Who don’t Have it Back
It’s a Choice
Just be at Peace with your decisions
Know that you won’t always get it right
Love and celebrate when you do
Make the good news count
Nebulous concepts are better than
Opaque feelings
Persevere in your quest to explore and learn
Question, question, question
Reveries are medicine for the soul and the intellect
Swim in your dreams, thoughts, and observations
Track your growth
Unless you are continually going backwards
Value your progress
When you find yourself stumbling, don’t panic!
X-ray your life and examine it the way a doctor would: clinically, carefully
Yielding the options to step forward require the
Zeal of a smiling, open face and the will to place one foot in front of the other
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